The Vontek Gzorbee Quartet

Original Release Date: 12/25/5165 (0165 AM)

Dear Audionauts, the Intergalactic Beets Project has just stumbled upon one of the greatest treasures of the 5th Century (in Earth Years, in reality, the Universal year was 13,090,588,165, but who's counting?). We are all familiar with that horrifying time of year colloquially known as Glorkmas. Every December 24th, on Glorkmas Eve, children and parents across the Universe put out plates of tasty ziggle fruits to ward off the coming of Glorkimble, a creature as deadly as it is tall. Born a Deciduae, Glorkimble and its ilk were apex predators, on the hunt to simply fill their bellies and nothing more. Over ten feet tall, skin of thick, green needles, the Deciduae and their six eyes would rumble from planet to planet aboard sleighs constructed from the bones of the dead (they would shed the marrow through their trunk and collect it, forming it in effigies of their victims). For years, the ritual of Glorkmas was simply called Bloody Wednesday in honor of the first such encounter with the Deciduae off their homeworld. In the years that followed, tactics were employed that only made the creatures angrier: leaving ziggle fruits for them to snack on; dumping oil into rivers, and lighting them on fire lest they be burned when attempting to cross; building giant Deciduae dolls and pretending to have already conquered that planet. Nothing seemed to work. Then came Glorkimble. Taller, hungrier, and even less remorseful, it dominated the Universe, snacking as much as it pleased and ransacking the weakest of creatures until extinction was left in its wake. The 25th of December took on a new meaning with its arrival, and, sadly, Glorkmas was born. For centuries, we have tried to ward off the beast with its dozen eyes (twice the normal Deciduae) and its judgmental Spear of Justice, which strikes fear in children and adults alike. Saying its name was punishable by years in an intergalactic prison of your choice, and cults destined to summon him outside of the 25th left investigators exhausted in their pursuit to stop them. But all of this changed in 5165. Destined to stop this yearly tradition and put an end to Glorkimble's terrifying stranglehold, the Intergalactic Beets Project helped to finance a Saturday morning cartoon aimed at teaching younglings how to ward off the Deciduae and their ilk. Thought lost to time (and an unannounced raid by Lord Prosect's neon knights), we have recovered the original ZetaMax tapes along with the official soundtrack, written and performed by legendary lounge act, The Vontek Gzorbee Quartet. Featuring an adorable rendition of Glorkimble, the special, titled The Nightmare Before Glorkmas, examined the creature's origins and took a softer approach to its plight. Along with some delightful and zany adventures, it learns the true meaning of Glorkmas and decides to put a stop to it. Featuring the cool, jazzy undertones of the VGQ, the memorable songs quickly became a Glorkmas staple as Glorkimble's reign faded, little by little. The cartoon was an undeniable hit, and the soundtrack was a reminder of the deadly past, ensuring that future generations could combat the Deciduae by simply controlling the urge to summon them. Dear Audionauts, as you are well aware, Glorkmas is no more (for now), and we owe a debt of gratitude to The Nightmare Before Glorkmas and The Vontek Gzorbee Quartet; just be sure to clear your minds of Glorkimble and its ilk, lest you reignite their passion for bone and blood.

Side A

1. It's The Most Devastatingly Nerve-Wracking Time of the Year

2. Here Comes Glorkimble (Prepare Thee for Wrath)

3. I'm Dreaming of a Red Glorkmas (Entirely Due to Sleep Paralysis)

4. Rockin' Around a Glorkimble Effigy to Confuse My Enemies Into Retreating

Side B

1. The Nightmare Before Glorkmas

2. The 13 Days of Glorkmas (Devoid of All Happiness and Cheer)

3. My Little Drum, Which Contains Thermonuclear Capabilities in the Event that Glorkimble Breaches Through Our Frontline Defenses

4. The Inner Machinations of My Mind Have Accidentally Conjured Glorkimble in a Failed Attempt to Repel Him (Pray for Me)